Emails to the Admiralty
by PointlessArrow
Summary: When there's a rules and regulations backlog, who do you call? The Shore Patrol, of course. A series of strange, unusual, random, and facepalm-worthy incidents as chronicled by the Admiralty's chosen shipgirls, featuring miscreants from A to Z.
1. Address to the Responsible

**AN:** Another idea I had in the works a few months back before I dropped off the face of the planet. A humorous, semi-crack fanfic like "The Tragedy of CV-6 the Romantic" or Rulesverse featuring OCs and canon characters from other fanfictions, Zuluverse, KC, AL, and possibly WSG.

* * *

To: "Shore Patrol List Serv"  
From: "Admiralty List Serv"  
Subject: Regarding Your New Role

Greetings,

If you're reading this message, congratulations, the Admiralty considers you to be both a responsible and an outstanding shipgirl.

As you may have noticed, we've been swamped with a backlog of rulebreakings and violations that need to be put into the books, but well, haven't been able to do so. While we don't we point any fingers, we have no doubt that this is a consequence of our recent and super-effective efforts at eliminating abyssal holdings worldwide. Why? Well, to quote one admiral who went insane from all your shenanigans, "a bored shipgirl is a dangerous shipgirl."

Since we're struggling enough to keep tabs on our resource stockpiles (thanks Akagi for wiping out our bauxite supplies again by the way -Arima), the Admiralty has decided to trust **you** with reporting any present and future incidents and troublemakers to us. We have high hopes that you will use your newfound powers responsibly. Hereafter, you are our _de facto_ military police force. If you see a violator, you are granted free reign to punish the perpetrator as you see fit, or preferably submit us a formal complaint detailing the incident for formal review. To do so, simply use the attached form.

 **You** **should not use your powers for petty reasons. Doing so will result in your permissions being revoked and punished harshly.**

Sincerely,

The Admiralty


	2. Ghost Busting

Incident I: "Ghost Busting"

* * *

 **Name:** Vesuvius (1888)  
 **Reason:** Improper Usage of Mark 3 Remodel  
 **Perpetrator:** Enterprise (CV-6)  
 **Victims:** Akagi, Kaga, Sōryū, and numerous other kanmusu  
 **CC:** Fleet Admiral William Halsey, New Jersey (BB-62)

* * *

I know this is probably the last shipgirl we all could possibly expect to cause trouble, but I think we can all agree here with this statement:

"I do not like shipgirls popping through walls, ceilings, and floors, at any time of day, any time of the year, even if it is to say hello."

As you may recall, you and other shipgirl commanders across the country unanimously agreed that Enterprise deserved a second remodel in no small part due to her significant contributions to our recent victories in the Pacific. Like all other Mark 3's, you agreed to take the recipient's wishes into account. This included permitting her to find and domesticate a full-grown, hyper-patriotic eagle, complete proficiency in Japanese and English, and most importantly of all the ability to become immaterial and walk through solid objects as if she was a ghost.

I'm not here to complain about the eagle's reaper-like death glares. I'm not here to complain about the number of avian droppings left outside the doorsteps of any Central Power/Axis Power shipgirl's dormitories. I'm not here to complain about how I can't sleep at night knowing that _that_ eagle can travel as fast as a TBD Devastator. I'm not even here to complain about her newfound ability to do the "Sheev Spin" and screech "OWARI DA" around the facilities.

But her (friendly) hauntings…they're really getting out of hand. Somehow Enterprise got a hold of the kanmusu itinerary for June events and decided that she'd show off her remodel at one of their events.

Said event was a commemorative wake held on June 4. I'm pretty sure that the last thing Akagi and Kaga were expecting as they silently ate their rice was for _Enterprise to pop out of the ground in front of them and playfully eat Akagi's rice as a gesture of goodwill on the anniversary of Midway._

As if that wasn't traumatizing enough for the Kidō Butai, whenever CarDiv1 and CarDiv5 get into a heated spat Enterprise will appear out of nowhere and say loudly "SHHHHHH, QUIET PLEASE," with her bird squawking loudly in approval, before both of them dissolve into the ceiling rafters.

CarDiv5 isn't exempt either. According to Akebono (1899), when CV-6 and her entourage were visiting Sasebo, Shōkaku elected to sleep in one morning since she had the entire room to herself (her sister was away on routine patrols). Suddenly the carrier felt a heavy weight on her arm, and the next thing she knew there was a finger on her mouth and a pair of purple eyes glaring at her. The following exchange was allegedly given:

"Shhh. No tears. Only dreams. [inaudible flapping]"

While kanmusu aircraft carriers have been refitted with more advanced radar systems, I would like to issue a polite reminder that radar cannot see ghosts.

There is suspicion that this spiritual sorcery extends beyond pretending to be a phantom menace. Jun'yō and visiting Italian cruiser Pola both reported being chided by the carrier for engaging in a (supposedly authorized) drinking spree. However, Enterprise did so by allegedly "appearing from every single bottle mouth at once, surrounding them from all sides, dividing herself like bacteria in a petri dish before making angry zombie noises." Illegal substances are currently not suspected behind this fantastic response.

And so on and so forth.

Although the perpetrator's actions are not malevolent by nature, they have a strong potential to invoke traumatic memories, especially by Enterprise's former enemies. The German battleship Bismarck has also voiced her extreme concerns that a certain British red-headed aircraft carrier may approach Enterprise to learn the ghostly principle for villainous deeds.

I, the dynamite gun cruiser Vesuvius launched on the 28th of April 1888, hereby leave Enterprise's ultimate punishment up to the admiralty, with pending recommendations from her _de facto_ father Fleet Admiral William Frederick Halsey Jr. and the Iowa-class battleship New Jersey.

* * *

 **From:** New Jersey (BB-62)  
 **To:** Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey  
 **Subject:** Re: Grey Ghost Violations  
 **CC:** Enterprise (CV-6)

I just downloaded the extended document regarding E's violations.

It's a zipped file containing one terabyte of complaints.

What. The. Fuck.

-Big J

* * *

 **From:** Fleet Admiral William Halsey  
 **To:** Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, New Jersey (BB-62)  
 **Subject:** Re: Grey Ghost Violations  
 **CC:** Enterprise (CV-6)

I don't see what the problem is.

-Fleet Admiral Halsey

* * *

 **From:** Vesuvius (1888)  
 **To:** New Jersey (BB-62), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey  
 **Subject:** Re: Grey Ghost Violations  
 **CC:** Enterprise (CV-6)

With all due respect, you probably can't see the problem because _it's literally 10,000 pages of detailed reports, photographs, and gifs of Enterprise doing ghostly things._

 _Vesuvius_

* * *

 **From:** Fleet Admiral William Halsey  
 **To:** Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, New Jersey (BB-62)  
 **Subject:** Re: Grey Ghost Violations  
 **CC:** Enterprise (CV-6)

Exactly.

This is perfectly fine.

-Fleet Admiral Halsey

* * *

 **From:** New Jersey (BB-62)  
 **To:** Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey  
 **Subject:** Re: Grey Ghost Violations  
 **CC:** Enterprise (CV-6)

Dear Bill,

Is she behind you?

Blink twice if you need me to rescue you.

Love,

Big J

* * *

 **From:** Vesuvius (1888)  
 **To:** New Jersey (BB-62), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey  
 **Subject** : Re: Grey Ghost Violations  
 **CC:** Enterprise (CV-6)

I have a _baaaadd_ feeling about this.

You _do_ realize that she's been cc'd into this email chain this entire time, right?

 _Vesuvius_

* * *

 **From:** New Jersey (BB-62)  
 **To:** Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey  
 **Subject:** Re: Grey Ghost Violations  
 **CC:** Enterprise (CV-6)

HOLY SHIT E, I WAS JUST JOKING.

* * *

 **From:** Enterprise (CV-6)  
 **To:** Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey, New Jersey (BB-62)  
 **Subject:** Re: Grey Ghost Violations

I know, because I'm right behind you.

-Enterprise, CV-6 of the USN

P.S. Cracking a Ouija board on my head won't stop me, so next time don't try it.


	3. Pyromania

"Pyromania"

* * *

 **Name:** Tachibana (1912)  
 **Reason:** Excessive and unwarranted usage of high-explosive shells  
 **Perpetrators:** Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, and Mikasa  
 **Victims:** Everything  
 **CC:** Matsushima, Zhenyuan "Chin'en," Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof

Some ships just want to watch the world burn.

Look, I love Shimose powder as much as the next pre-war destroyer, but is it _really_ necessary to include the explosive in _everything_?

Seriously, everywhere I go, those _four_ are treating it like a cure-all? Tea too cold? Light an explosive shell. Want to doorbell ditch the visiting Imperial Russian warships? Light an explosive shell. Sendai went full-yasen and no one can find her? Punt and detonate an explosive shell as an illuminator. Someone's trying to interfere with Kongō's relationship to Admiral Goto? Gift them a live explosive shell.

An okay, I guess that Pallada was asking for it by taunting the RJW vets and challenging them to a beach dodgeball tournament, but did Mikasa really need to do some pyrotechnic witchcraft and _set the dodgeball on fire and ricochet it off of five Russian opponents?_ Might I remind you that many Russian RJW vets, especially the Baltic Fleet shipgirls, really, really, really, **really, REALLY** hate fire?

Okay, maybe I'm sounding too defensive of the Russian shipgirls, but really. Playing with fire is one thing. Playing with fire that sets everything alight and requires the kitchen sink to put out is another. Oh, did I mention that the fire sticks to everything it touches and burns underwater? One of them decided to "punish" Iku for something by "accidentally" dropping a Shimose-powder shell on her head, and she was in the repair dock for _weeks_ cleaning her innards and outards of burnt debris.

I know we haven't scheduled the quartet (or Yashima and Hatsuse for that matter) for a sortie in the past two months, but can you tell them to tone down the pyromania a tad? I'm sure the abyssals will try _something_ , and we'll send them out at first notice.

Thanks,

Tachibana

* * *

 **From:** Matsushima  
 **To:** Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **Subject:** Re: British Problems  
 **CC:** ChinChin the Battleship that Eats Too Many Potatoes, Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa, Tachibana

This sounds like a British problem, not a Russo-Japanese War problem. The last time I checked, I wasn't burning Russians alive.

 _Matsushima_

PS: Honestly you should call an exorcist. It should be a given that anything hailing from the British Isles is possessed.

* * *

 **From:** Zhenyuan  
 **To:** Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka, Tachibana  
 **Subject:** Re: British Problems  
 **CC:** Franco-Japanese Drinking Buddy Who Hates Potatoes and Is Bad at Chess, Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa

What Matsushima said.

I don't mind proposing a punishment if it means that I can my hands on some premium Yamato™ Sake though.

 _Beiyang-PLAN Battleship Zhenyuan_

* * *

 **From:** Matsushima  
 **To:** Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **Subject:** Re: British Problems  
 **CC:** ChinChin, Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa, Tachibana

Make that two crates, and it's a deal. Trust us, we're responsible; we're over 10 years older than they are. We could be their grandmothers.

 _Matsushima_

* * *

 **From:** Akiyama Saneyuki  
 **To:** Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka, Tachibana  
 **Subject:** Re: The Pre-Dreadnought Quartet and Your Alcoholism  
 **CC:** Chin'en, Matsushima , Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa

Matsushima and Chin'en:

I trust you two won't be engaging in a drinking spree the next time you two meet? A reminder that Anshan wasn't exactly pleased the last time she found you two loitering about Tianjin claiming to be hunting an "evil zombie-making gang" because you two were hallucinating from the wormwood in Matsushima's "secret stash."

 _Akiyama Saneyuki_

* * *

 **From:** Georgios Averof  
 **To:** Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Tachibana, the Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **Subject:** Re: Japanese Problems  
 **CC:** Zhenyuan "Chin'en", Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa

…Why am I mentioned in this email chain…I've never personally met the aforementioned battleships?

 _Georgios Averof, Defender of the Hellenic Peoples_

* * *

 **From:** Tachibana  
 **To:** Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **Subject:** Re: Pyromania Problems  
 **CC:** Zhenyuan "Chin'en", Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa

Fire that burns underwater and is difficult to extinguish by normal means, oh gee, I wonder where that came from?

Tachibana

* * *

 **From:** Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō  
 **To:** Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **Subject:** Re: The Pre-Dreadnought Quartet  
 **CC:** Chin'en, Matsushima , Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa

That's enough.

Honestly, this sounds very normal. I don't expect their improved firemaking techniques to the product of copying or importing European incendiary techniques.

I'll discuss your concerns with them, but they've been this fire-happy ever since they were all kai'd (or in Mikasa's case, Kai Ni'd).

However, if I may, Admiral Gōtō, can I suggest that you contact your Russian counterparts in St. Petersburg and suggest that Aurora be transferred to the Pacific Fleet? It sounds like the Russo-Japanese sports debacle was in part a result of Pallada being sister-sick. Doing so might prevent such awkward incidents in the future.

Your servant,

Tōgō Heihachirō

* * *

Shimose Powder: The highly-explosive propellant commonly attributed to helping the IJN to victory at Tsushima and other pre-WWI naval engagements.

"Zombie-making Gang": I was watching too much _He Shen_ when I wrote this...


	4. The German Word (ft Budgie)

**AN:** To answer some reviewers' questions, the letters I canonically write/post take place at the later/final years of the abyssal war, when there are plenty of shipgirls to go around but not many adversaries left (the seas are largely under human control, aside from the occasional raid/abyssal fleet assault which are summarily dealt with). Because of this, well...let's just say they get a little antsy and dial up the antics, shall we?

These also at most semi-canonical with Zuluverse, unlike most of my stories. The characterizations will be similar, but the actions won't necessarily be true. Anyway, onwards the post!

* * *

"The German Word" - A transcript guestwritten by the user TheBudgieAdmiral

* * *

 **From:** Royal Navy battlecruiser Renown (pennant number 72)  
 **To:** Admiral Collingwood  
 **Subject:** Prinz Eugen calling people "Fraulein"

* * *

Dearest Admiral Collingwood, sir,

It has recently come to my attention that the German heavy cruiser Prinz Eugen has a habit of calling every ship spirit she meets "Fraulein".

While many ship spirits under my command or that I am affiliated with see no wrong in such behavior, some have taken odd actions in response to her calling them the name, and have in return started name-calling the hapless German cruiser.

Jutland, for example, has done this repeatedly in the past. I shall refrain from repeating the exact wording in this document, however, Prinz Eugen acted rightfully insulted and hurt, and had to be comforted by Belfast and Bismarck for a whole ten minutes after returning from her mission.

It seems like many see the term as derogatory or insulting for reasons unbeknownst to myself.

Others are now more suspicious of the term and see it as threatening for an unknown reason. Belfast explained to me that it may have something to do with the portrayal of Nazis in popular post-war media, where the term is often used equally to the American way of calling a lady "girl".

It seems like the term carries negative annotations for many, in multiple different ways.

I therefor turn to you, Admiral, in the hopes of raising awareness of this issue and maybe conceiving a joint plan of action to counter this misunderstanding. Maybe an obligatory German course for ship spirits likely to operate with German units on a regular basis could destroy the misconceptions?

Yours most sincerely, Renown (pennant number 72)

* * *

 **From:** Admiral Collingwood  
 **To:** "Shipgirl Force Scapa Flow"  
 **Subject:** Language Problems and Cultural Crash Courses

* * *

Dear Shipgirls,

Recently it was brought to my attention that there appear to be butting misconceptions about the German cruiser Prinz Eugen, specifically her repeated use of the word "Fräulein".

Please be advised that this wording is neither derogatory or insulting nor threatening or offensive!

Whoever insulted Prinz Eugen because of this (not going to name any names, you know who you are) is to take the next opportunity to ask for forgiveness from the German cruiser!

Furthermore, I have conversed with Admiral Hartmann over the matter and the suggestion of a voluntary German course for the British shipgirl force has been raised. We have come to the conclusion that a two-sided crash course in each other's language and traditions is to the benefit of everyone involved.

Admiral Hartmann has asked around and it seems that Tirpitz has volunteered to lead this course with assistance from Vanguard. If you are interested in such a course, please contact either one of them with your contact details. Fair seas to all participants!

As they say: Danke für's Mitmachen!

Sincerely, the Admiralty.

* * *

 **From:** Tryon  
 **To:** Renown  
 **Subject:** German courses

Hey Tryon,

Did you hear about the plans for the German courses? Tirpitz will be holding them!

Soon, we'll all be spouting "Heil H!tler" if this continues!

We must do something against this outrage!

Renown

* * *

 **From:** Royal Navy battlecruiser Renown (pennant number 72)  
 **To:** Tryon  
 **Subject:** RE:German courses

Dear Tryon,

This message has been forwarded to Tirpitz and Admiral Collingwood. I suggest you seek cover and dialogue as soon as Tirpitz' rage has calmed.

Good luck to you, because you will need it.

HMS battlecruiser Renown (pennant number 72)

v

* * *

Budgie's Note: First snip for this thread. I plan to write more, any hopefully some more humorous ones too, once my inspiration returns from holidays.

My notes: Tryon is a rename of one of the more troublesome HMS Anson's (the youngest of the planned Admiral-class Battlecruisers) in Rulesverse. Because she kept getting annoyed at the _other_ HMS Anson, the admiralty decided to rename her to HMS Tryon, after the officer of the same name.


	5. That German Salute

**AN:** This one might be a dud, depending upon your sense of humor. Involves nonsensical, over-the-top insults. Most official snippets I post will be in the same vein of the earlier ones.

* * *

"That German Salute"

* * *

 **Name:** Torpedo Boat S90  
 **Reason:** Excessive Usage of That Salute  
 **Perpetrator:** SMS Bayern  
 **Victims:** Anything with Ears  
 **CC:** SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven

I thought it would be in the books by now to make it a war crime to do _anything_ remotely involving that salute, but apparently it's not. As a result, the reputation of German shipgirls here and abroad has suffered greatly because of Bayern's actions.

For the record, I am not speaking of that weird…hand-raising gesture...adopted by the German Empire's lowly successor state(s), but the Swabian Salute. You know, the uncanny tendency by people from Bayern's namesake to somehow include references to "consumption practices surrounding their afts" when something startles them? I dare not write "lick my ass" in this official report; it is simply too crass for such a serious violation.

Now, I understand that Bayern was unable to develop an intimate bond with the German people as a consequence of the outcome of the Great War, but appropriating historical customs from the region she named after is not the way to go about it. Her act of wearing a dirndl when she so fancies I have no complaints with; her tendency to speak as if she is a character out of von Goethe's _Götz von Berlichingen_ re-living the siege of Jagsthausen Castle on the other hand…

I am aware that the venerable battleship König sang glowing praises about Bayern in her after-action report, for the latter saved a German squadron from certain destruction by unleashing such a toxic diatribe that even von Berlichingen himself would blush, but to say that she downplayed the collateral damage inflicted to any being with an acoustic system is a gross understatement. Most survivors could not hear anything for weeks afterwards, and the destroyers escorting the squadron have devolved into using the most bawdy rhetoric in their everyday conversation. Bayern is a crown jewel of the Imperial German Navy; it would be fitting if she acted as such.

To prove to you that I am not being dramatic about this atrocity, I have attached a raw, unedited two-hour clip of Bayern performing the Swabian Salute from last night. Apparently, a friendly shouting match with the aircraft carrier Graf Zeppelin over where the coffee beans went set everything into motion.

If not for the Kaiser's sake, then in the name of the German people I deplore you to do something about this.

 _S90_

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, SMS König, S90  
 **Subject:** RE: Bayern's "Salutes"  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego

Hello S90:

After listening to five minutes of Bayern's tirade, I immediately recognized the gravity of the battleship's offense. I have assembled an international panel to review the case. The two-hour footage of evidence will be scrutinized and dissected to the last millisecond.

Rest assured, Bayern will be dealt with to the fullest letter of the law.

 _Admiral Hienrich Störtebeker_

* * *

 **From:** SMS König  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven, S90  
 **Subject:** In Defense of SMS Bayern  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego

Admiral Störtebeker:

As an old and lifelong friend of Bayern, I would like to protest the course of action being pursued by the Combined Naval Command. If an insult a day keeps the Abyssal Princess away, then why ban them? Moreover, while I understand that we Germans should ourselves to a higher standard than our degenerate counterparts in other navies, may I mention that there is a precedent for oral rhetoric being deployed as a weapon of war? Less than a month ago, the Chinese destroyer Anshan **literally** **talked an abyssal to death**. Rather than penalize her, the Admiralty at Qingdao applauded her for her meritorious actions. Can we not take inspiration from them and do the same?

Your obedient soldier,

 _SMS König_

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, SMS König  
 **Subject:** RE: Bayern's "Salutes"  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego

Dear König:

I believe you misunderstood our true course of action, and in the interest of being direct I shall be blunt.

Do you happen to have any more mixtapes of Bayern swearing, and is she willing to start a business in voice-acting in her spare time?

 _Admiral Hienrich Störtebeker_

Post Script: Please feel free to speak frankly; I have removed S90 from the CC and so she will not see any further correspondence.

* * *

 **From:** SMS König  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **Subject:** RE: Bayern's "Salutes"  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego

Excuse me sir, but _what_?

 _SMS König_

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **Subject:** RE: Bayern's "Salutes"  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego

Hienrich:

After a long day of dealing with shipgirl shenanigans (Orion's Super Smash Bros' tournament got out of hand again…), can I say that Bayern should be declared a German State Treasure?

Her swearing…have you ever listened to Brian Blessed's profanity streak when he was doing that skit with Stephen Fry? It's like that, but for **two whole hours**. An entire hour has gone by, and yet it's only felt like a minute.

 _-Charlie_

Post Script: Since you're included in this chain…Bayern…how on earth can you say "shit" so many times in close succession and not grow hoarse?

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, SMS König  
 **Subject:** RE: Bayern's "Salutes"  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego

I bet it's the coal.

German coal always makes the coal-fired shipgirls a little off…shall we say?

 _Admiral Hienrich Störtebeker_

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at San Diego  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **Subject:** RE: Bayern's "Salutes"  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt

A lifetime of growing up with George Carlin did not prepare me for the beauty that is Bayern performing a "Swabian Salute."

If this is the kind of havoc the Germans cause on base, would you mind sharing some of the madness overseas?

-E.D.

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Kronstadt  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **Subject:** RE: Bayern's "Salutes"  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at San Diego

"WHO USE FISH'S [EXPLETIVES] IN PLACE OF [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]!"

I am _quite_ sure fish don't have those, Bayern.

-Admiral Amaliji Makarov, Military-Maritime Fleet of the Russian Federation

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **To:** SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **Subject:** RE: Bayern's "Salutes"  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at San Diego

Having just finished watching the entire thing, let me just say this.

I never knew the phrase "I am a well-read woman" could be used threateningly, but that did not concern me.

I never knew going "AAAH" for ten minutes straight could make an intelligent reply to an accusation, but that did not concern me.

You exhausted every insult known to mankind to refer to the French, the English, the Russians, the Swiss, the Poles, the Austrians, the Danes, the Swedes, the Italians, the Finns, the Irish, the Scots, the Flemish, and even the Dutch, but that did not concern me.

You literally threatened to turn a certain shipgirl's [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] into water, but even _this_ did not concern me.

But then you mentioned the Admiralty's [redacted] [expletive] [censored] [censored]….

-Arima

* * *

 **From:** SMS Bayern  
 **To:** SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven  
 **Subject:** RE: My Outbursts  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego

Greetings Admiral Störtebeker:

I did not realize that my tirade last night would be the straw that broke S90's back, nor that I would open up my inbox to this comment chain.

For the record I have _not_ seen that, Admiral Gōtō, nor am I well-versed on the topic. Please rest well knowing that I would dare not do speak of such a thing in seriousness. Hot coffee does little to soothe hot minds.

As for whether I am capable of shouting more of the same…we shall see. I am going to be playing a match of chess with Tirpitz later tonight, and she is the next Clausewitz when it comes to that game.

My apologies for causing such a ruckus again,

 _Bayern_

* * *

 **AN:** This snippet was inspired by the legends surrounding the Swabian Salute and its origins. As Swabia is in modern-day Bavaria, I found the snippet quite fitting for Bayern. Note that I am being a bit lax with the "official" interpretation of the Swabian Salute; it's commonly attributed as "lick my [redacted]" only.

If you want to know the Brian Blessed skit mentioned, just type in "Brian Blessed Swearing (Stephen Fry BBC Planet Word)" on youtube.


	6. Cars

**AN:** A short piece I came up with on the spur-of-the-moment. There'll be a longer one later this week or next week if I have time.

* * *

"Cars"

* * *

 **Name:** Oboro (1899)  
 **Reason:** Cars  
 **Perpetrator:** Yamato (1940), Iowa (1942)  
 **Victims:** None (Yet)  
 **CC:** HMS Hermione (1893), Admiralty at Yokosuka, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

Cars cannot fly.

That is all.

 _Oboro_

* * *

 **From:** Iowa  
 **To:** Oboro, Yamato  
 **Subject:** RE: Oboro's Revelation  
 **CC:** Hermione, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

That is right, they _cannot_ fly!

Love and xoxo,

 _Iowa, BB-61 of the United States Navy_

* * *

 **From:** Hermione  
 **To:** Oboro, Yamato, Iowa  
 **Subject:** RE: An Anglo-Japanese Observation  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

Dear Oboro:

What an astute observation, I congratulate you.

 _Her Majesty's Ship Hermione, Astraea-Class Protected Cruiser_

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **To:** Hermione, Yamato, Iowa  
 **Subject:** RE: Not Again  
 **CC:** Oboro, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

…Were you two throwing cars _again_?

Didn't we already make it clear a few months ago that just because your shells weigh roughly the same as compact 4-wheel cars, **_doesn't_** mean you can expend them in training exercises?

That last time one of you two missed, all of Tokyo thought the Ministry of Defense was conducting trials to see if we could be the first ones in the world to launch a car into space without rockets.

-Arima

* * *

 **From:** Yamato  
 **To:** Hermione, Iowa, Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **Subject:** RE: We did nothing wrong!  
 **CC:** Oboro, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

To those concerned:

I, Yamato, would never violate a rule.

Rest assured Admiral Gōtō, once you enunciated disapproval at such alternative ammunition, I swore to never touch cars for such purposes ever again.

I can say with certainty that my American comrade is also innocent of such crimes.

 _Battleship Yamato_

* * *

 **From:** Oboro  
 **To:** Hermione, Iowa, Yamato  
 **Subject:** RE: But you did  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

That's right, you agreed to stop throwing cars.

But that's not what I said.

I didn't say you were throwing cars.

I said you were _flying_ them.

As in you lot tried galloping a vintage Model T Ford down the runway before it unceremoniously skidded and rolled over from the burden of its passengers.

 _Oboro_

* * *

 **From:** Hermione  
 **To:** Oboro, Yamato, Iowa  
 **Subject:** RE: An Anglo-Japanese Observation  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

In my defense, I thought it wouldn't be much different from tinkering with the Ford Anglia.

 _Her Majesty's Ship Hermione, Astraea-Class Protected Cruiser_

* * *

 **From:** Commander-in-Chief at China Station  
 **To:** Hermione, Iowa, Yamato  
 **Subject:** RE: Not Again!  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Oboro

You mean the same one that you flew into PRC airspace and nearly started a confrontation with Liaoning?

Thank heavens for Aurora for getting us out of that one…

 _GORDON_

* * *

 **From:** Hermione  
 **To:** Oboro, Yamato, Iowa  
 **Subject:** RE: An Anglo-Japanese Observation  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

Sir:

The Ford Anglia was completely remote controlled; Liaoning had nothing to worry about. This one the other hand…well…

 _Her Majesty's Ship Hermione, Astraea-Class Protected Cruiser_

* * *

 **From:** Oboro  
 **To:** Hermione, Iowa, Yamato  
 **Subject:** RE: Confession  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Yokosuka, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

So you _do_ admit that you three tried flying an automobile?

 _Oboro_

* * *

 **From:** Yamato  
 **To:** Oboro  
 **Subject:** RE: Your Question  
 **CC:** , Hermione, Iowa, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

Dear Oboro:

I, Yamato, can neither confirm nor deny that statement.

 _Battleship Yamato_

* * *

 **From:** Commander-in-Chief at China Station  
 **To:** Hermione  
 **Subject:** RE: Not Again!  
 **CC:** Iowa, Yamato, Oboro, Admiralty at Yokosuka

Why is it that whenever there is trouble it is always you three?

 _GORDON_

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Yokosuka  
 **To:** Hermione, Yamato, Iowa  
 **Subject:** RE: Not Again  
 **CC:** Oboro, Commander-in-Chief at China Station

I believe a roster reassignment is in good order. Perhaps something philosophical to keep our wise protected cruiser's mind occupied for starters, Charlie?

-Arima


	7. You Can't Teach an Old Ship New Tricks

**AN:** This one was inspired by one of guinguin's comics.

* * *

"You Can't Teach an Old Ship New Tricks"

* * *

 **Name:** HMS Havock (1893)  
 **Reason:** Ineptitude at Gymnastics  
 **Perpetrator:** HMS Warspite (03)  
 **Victims:** Admiral Andrew Cunningham, Royal Fairy Shipwrights, and a thousand other fairies  
 **CC:** HMS Dreadnought, Admiralty at Scapa Flow

How many times shall I need to repeat this before you realize the futility of your actions?

For the love of all that is holy, **Warspite, you cannot,** _ **cannot**_ **,** _ **cannot**_ **,** _ **CANNOT**_ under absolutely **ANY** condition try spinning as a "good trick." Leave the athletic stunts to the humans or destroyers.

"But that's outrageous, Havock," you say? "How on earth and why would Warspite do this?"

To confirm that Warspite was indeed the culprit (and not, you know, some savage lookalike), I decided to execute some scientific reasoning to eliminate all alternative possible causes. First, I asked the local university for their science textbooks. **As far as we currently know, shipgirls do not go through the water cycle; therefore it is utterly implausible that it was just arbitrarily raining Warspites from the sky every time I glanced outside.** Concerned about the possibility she was possessed, I asked _El Gamo_ (who was in-port visiting her old colleague _Speedy_ ) if she was willing to conduct an exorcism if need be. Warspite soon proved that she was _not_ possessed; she acted towards the Spanish as expected of an English warship. (I paid all the expenses for El Gamo's repairwork out of my own pocket, so please tell Admiral Gravina not to worry.) Finally, just to make sure that I wasn't about to frame Warspite for the wrongdoings of an alternate-dimensional double, I consulted the interuniverse email network and asked every single Admiral at Scapa Flow known to mankind what their Warspites were doing. Even in the realm where supernatural alien beings meddle with the known world and its history, the Warspite there was behaving herself.

With that, every line of reasoning I had was exhausted, save for the obvious one: Warspite was unceremoniously catapulting herself into the dirt because she thought adding wheels to her rigging would allow her to vehicle-parkour from rooftop to rooftop. Not even the world-famous power of the almighty trebuchet could change her expected trajectory.

As to why Warspite was doing this, her sister Barham was kind enough to impart Warspite's internet search history with me. Apparently the battleship caught wind of a comic series where she tried out majestic skateboarding maneuvers from Seagull+ videos and failed. In an attempt to disprove the artist's claims, Warspite vowed to perform such athletic arts herself...and failed.

As an icon of the Royal Navy in some of our finest hours, not only should it be below her station to be seen engaging in such delinquent acts, but she should also recognize by now her limits. Warspite's boundless talents in combat are only rivaled by her sheer lack of finesse in conducting the most basic cinematic trick. Such as twirling. Or breaking into windows from out the outside. Or making figure eights. Or loops. Or 360's. Or "no-scopes," whatever the ruddy hell that means.

Warspite is over a hundred years old by my count. I say she should start acting like it.

I say this not out of malice but from frankness. I am honestly getting tired of looking out my window and seeing a fast battleship free-fall ten stories, plow through the concrete pavement below, take a trip to the dockyards where she gets to feast on _my_ favorite flavour of repair bucket that _I_ went out and fought _a vacuum-cleaning battleship over,_ and then nonchalantly repeat the entire process all over again. And again. And again. And again.

In the name of responsibility, I beseech you to take action against this Mad Old Lady. As immortal and industrious as our noble fairies are, even they have limits. I fear they may go on strikes if the needless violence and overwork continues. If not that, then think of our international reputation for goodness' sake. König and other members of the High Seas Fleet have been having a field day on SeaBattles making derogatory remarks about the readiness of the Home Fleet in the event of a sortie.

Post Script: This reminds me, I'm going to have to make _another_ sortie and beat up that _vacuum-cleaning battleship again_ with Daring because SOMEBODY ate all the Gloucester-Cheese-and-Crackers-flavoured repair buckets...

* * *

 **From:** Dreadnought  
 **To:** Havock, Warspite  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Andrew Cunningham

What's the matter with a ship trying to do a barrel roll? It's a very ambitious maneuver, but executed well it might have better-than-expected results.

 _Dreadnought_

* * *

 **From:** Havock  
 **To:** Dreadnought, Warspite  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Andrew Cunningham

I think it need not be said that a 33,000 ton battleship trying to perform a barrel roll is a very, very bad idea. Especially one of her age. No one should be encouraging or condoning such practices, either. It's bad practice.

I think such maneuvers are best left to the small ships, if any at all.

 _Her Majesty's Ship Havock_

* * *

 **From:** Dreadnought  
 **To:** Havock, Warspite  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Andrew Cunningham

Well, from a certain point of view it is true that Warspite is getting old, but who are we to judge? I reckon we're both dinosaurs compared to her by my count.

I mean, Victory may be several hundred years old, but she's not some mystic old sage. I see her at the galas all the time in those Empire dresses of hers. If anything, she'd fit just fine with the girls from the Naughty Nineties.

 _Dreadnought_

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow  
 **To:** Havock, Warspite, Dreadnought  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Admiral Andrew Cunningham

Dreadnought:

While that may be true, it's all fun and games until 87 repair buckets (yes, _**87**_ , Hood and I checked the inventory in triplicate to be sure) vanish. Even if we assume seven were expended in emergency repairs during picket sorties and the five with Albatross haven't been used, that means Warspite single-handedly depleted _seventy-five_ repair-buckets for her party tricks.

A polite reminder that my policy is to always have a hundred repair buckets at hand in case the unexpected happens, such as an international riot breaking out on base because Bretagne unexpectedly destroyed Orion in the Super Smash Bro finals (I have never seen so many fires in my life, but I digress).

Based on my current tally however, we only have **one**. You know what that means, and the destroyers won't like it.

 _-Charlie, Voted "Shitty Admiral of the Year" by 110% of RN Destroyers_

* * *

 **From:** Havock  
 **To:** Dreadnought, Warspite  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Andrew Cunningham

Dreadnought, with all due respect I think you are missing the point.

I did not CC you into this thread because I want your insight on this matter.

I CC'd you because I am charging you as an accomplice to this heinous crime.

What say you in your defense?

 _Her Majesty's Ship Havock_

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow  
 **To:** Havock, Warspite, Dreadnought  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Admiral Andrew Cunningham

Havock:

Okay, I think this is a bridge too far. Warspite being a closet troublemaker I can see and understand (if her mischief in the Mediterranean and Norway was any indication), but _Dreadnought_? The rational, universally-loved warship across the Seven Seas?

I am starting to suspect that you have an axe to grind against someone eating your favorite-flavored repair buckets and are taking it out on the battleships...

 _-Charlie_

* * *

 **From:** Havock  
 **To:** Dreadnought, Warspite  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Cunningham

Sir,

Who do you think created the channel of "Battleships Doing 'Cool and Dandy' Flips" in the first place?

 _Her Majesty's Ship Havock_

Post Script: If you want definitive proof, just pull it up on the internet. Dreadnought's videos have been liked and shared by **hundreds** of mischiefmakers on Seagull+.

* * *

 **From:** Admiralty at Scapa Flow  
 **To:** Havock, Warspite, Dreadnought  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Admiral Andrew Cunningham

Is that so?

...

Please give me a minute; I need to ask Hood if she can find that record of Bayern's latest mixtape...I'm going to need it.

 _-Charlie_

* * *

 **Omake:**

* * *

 **From:** Admiral Andrew Cunningham  
 **To:** Home Fleet Officer's Club  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** David Beatty, John Jellicoe, John Fisher

Checked my mail this morning to a terrible mess; forwarding it to you all for details.

Looks like the Grand Old Lady got herself in trouble.

 _Cunningham_

* * *

 **From:** David Beatty  
 **To:** Home Fleet Officer's Club  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Andrew Cunningham, John Fisher, John Jellicoe

Even a hundred years later, there is _still_ something wrong with our bloody ships today.

 _Beatty_

Post Script: Of course the one day I check my emails is the one time that there's a huge fuss about a Jutland veteran.

* * *

 **From:** John "Jackie" Fisher  
 **To:** Home Fleet Officer's Club  
 **Subject:** RE: Grand Old Lady  
 **CC:** Andrew Cunningham, David Beatty, John Jellicoe

If Warspite had been designed a battlecruiser, perhaps we wouldn't be having this problem; most of them have aged quite well and are of the utmost pleasant character if I do say so myself.

Nevertheless, I commend Warspite in her ambitious civilian career. While I confess I see no strategic value in such a maneuver, I would be lying if the thought if a super-dreadnought rolling 360 degrees whilst in the thick of action amuses me greatly.

 _Jackie_

* * *

 **AN:** Orion as depicted here was inspired by Siirakannu's depiction of the super-dreadnoughts. Apparently the lead ship in that series is quite fond of the franchise.


	8. It That Must Flow

"It That Must Flow"

* * *

 **Name:** HMS Hercules (1910)  
 **Reason:** That Plant  
 **Perpetrator:** Vikrant (R11)  
 **Victims:** British Home Fleet, Financial Statements of Scapa Flow  
 **CC:** Keangsoo (1862), Almirante Abreu (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

I want to say this now before we're forced to take drastic action.

For the love of all that is holy, **HERCULES, CEASE YOUR BIOLOGICAL EXPERIMENTATION ON THAT CURSED PLANT AT ONCE**.

Imagine the horror, the fear, the sheer terror on my face as every day without fail our formidable, stoic battleline of grizzled veterans dissolve into a gooey mass of salivating zombies at the sound of a doorbell. Pray tell, you say?

Every afternoon at a quarter past three, the postman arrives with a heavily-padded brown parcel. In this parcel is the most foul, vile substance known to man. It is the cursed infinite of Kaiser Wilhelm's passionate one night stand with the Austrian Archduke. It is more outrageous than the thought of Napoleon Bonaparte conquering the British Isles. There are not enough circles in Dante's hell to detain this montrosity, this... _hell spawn_ , that Hercules has bore in the gardens of India. It is the unholy union of heaven and hell, and the complete antithesis of all things British.

For the Majestic-class aircraft carrier believes herself to Gregor Mendel reborn, and took it upon herself to cultivate a new breed of shrub for the purpose of tea-making. This is no normal "tea brew," however. No. _No,_ Hercules possessed with the wrath of the oppressed, cursed it. It is physically impossible to take a simple sip of her unique blend; all those stupid enough to bring the drink to their lips finding themselves downing cup after cup until they've bloodied emptied the entire box of its contents. I watched Nelson and Rodney literally swipe half the box with two generous "spoonfuls."

Worse, once Hercules's unfortunate victims realize the crisis they've thrust upon themselves, their response is to express indulgence, not restraint. For the past few weeks, I have been wondering why London was crying over the base's monthly expenses (which, to put it diplomatically, were redder than a bloodied Redcoat), and only now have I come to the horrid realization that it is because everyone is emptying the kitchen sink in the name of getting their hands on this infernal product. To stress the severity of the situation, I've attached her spreadsheet to this email. I will warn in advance that the figures are frightening. I fear we will need a naval budget expansion to offset the expenses, because as it currently stands we have no funding available for the **next three months.** Almost all of it has been siphoned off to pay Hercules's enterprise.

Let me ask you, Hercules: where is your conscious?

In the name of your former country and our sanity, please reconsider your botany project. I am CC'ing several other British expats so that they can pre-emptively packages you may have shipped elsewhere before the mania becomes a pandemic.

* * *

 **From:** Kasuga (1862)  
 **To:** HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)  
 **Subject:** A Plant From India  
 **CC:** Almirante Abreu (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

For some reason, I'm getting a strange sense deja vu from the situation, but I can't put a finger to it…

I'm sure it will come to me.

 _His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga_

 _Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"_

* * *

 **From:** Albany (CL-23) (1898)  
 **To:** HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)  
 **Subject:** You Got My Name Wrong  
 **CC:** Kasuga, HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

My name is Albany, not Almirante Abreu; not sure why you're using the name I was laid down with…

Changing it now.

 _Albany_ , _New-Orleans Class cruiser of the United States Navy_

* * *

 **From:** HMS Hercules (1910)  
 **To:** Albany (CL-23) (1898), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11), Kasuga (1862)  
 **Subject:** Sigh  
 **CC:** HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Can we _please_ take the topic seriously? A financial crisis is nothing to laugh about, y'know.

* * *

 **From:** Kasuga (1862)  
 **To:** HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)  
 **Subject:** Your Spreadsheets  
 **CC:** Albany (CL-23) (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Bolding everything and posting them in triplicate on the spreadsheet doesn't make this any less funny.

I am also seriously questioning how you can possibly spend that much quid on a single blend.

 _His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga_

 _Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"_

* * *

 **From:** INS Vikrant (R11)  
 **To:** Albany (CL-23) (1898), HMS Hercules (1910), Kasuga (1862)  
 **Subject:** Are You Serious  
 **CC:** HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Hercules:

Are you serious?! **It's literally just a herbal tea blend.**

As for the "wrath of the possessed," it's a special strain of black pepper that has a bit more zing to it normal. Unless modern British cuisine is blander than a piece of paper, it should hardly be addictive.

The pepper and tea are also two separate products; I just toss in a free pound or two depending upon how much the customer buys. If the tea is that much of a problem to the point you're forced to speak in Shakespearean hyperbole, I can simply make it unavailable to customers from the UK.

 _Vikrant_

Post Script: Kasuga, poppy was grown in Bengal, which makes up most of modern-day Bangladesh, not India. For your sake, please do not confuse the two countries.

* * *

 **From:** HMS Hercules (1910)  
 **To:** Albany (CL-23) (1898), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11), Kasuga (1862)  
 **Subject:** Actually  
 **CC:** HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Actually, I was interested in the reverse agreement. Let's keep the tea, but ditch the peppers, yes? Save the selective-breeding for the farmers, not the shipgirls.

 _Hercules_

* * *

 **From:** Kasuga (1862)  
 **To:** HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)  
 **Subject:** Re:A Plant From India  
 **CC:** Albany (CL-23) (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

That would be a _Herculean_ task.

In these parts, it's become a popular alternative to the quite-zesty sansho peppers.

The spice must flow, I say.

 _His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga_

 _Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"_

* * *

 **From:** Albany (CL-23) (1898)  
 **To:** HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)  
 **Subject:** Re:A Plant From India  
 **CC:** Kasuga, HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

So I guess you could say…

Vikrant won a cultural victory?

Bah, I forgot the exact phrase. I don't keep up my paces with the gamer gals.

 _Albany_ , _New-Orleans Class cruiser of the United States Navy_

* * *

 **From:** HMS Hercules (1910)  
 **To:** Albany (CL-23) (1898), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11), Kasuga (1862)  
 **Subject:** Re: A Plant From India  
 **CC:** HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Your cultural references are irrelevant. What matters is stopping everything you've been working on, Vikrant.

What will you possible come up next? Mint chocolate-flavored tea?

 _Hercules_

* * *

 **From:** Kasuga (1862)  
 **To:** HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)  
 **Subject:** Re:A Plant From India  
 **CC:** Albany (CL-23) (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

 **Boy, are you late to the party on _that_ one.**

 _His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga_

 _Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"_


	9. Mental Shock

**AN:** This is technically a GFL-KC crossover, so you probably won't get the references unless you play both games. I included a bit more familiar KC/KC-canon characters than usual on the KC-side of things here as well.

* * *

"Mental Shock"

* * *

 **Name:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Reason:** Interdimensional Visitor PSA  
 **Perpetrator:** None!  
 **Victims:** No One-We Hope!  
 **CC:** International Shipgirl List Serve, Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica

Greetings All:

No worries, this isn't a complaint form being filed! Since you all have grown accustomed to us sending important notices this way however, we decided that we might as well make an announcement here.

Over the next few weeks, we'll be having visitors from another dimension conducting a **very important mission**. For obvious reasons, the exact details will remain confidential; those who may become involved in the operation have already been contacted and kept up-to-speed with the situation. Despite their severe misgivings about the benefits to this agreement, most governments have also consented to the provisions of the agreement. It is up to you to keep the peace.

They will not be here for long. Once the they have fulfilled their objectives, they will return to their original universe. This isn't the first time we have had long-distance visitors, so we trust you will be on your utmost best behavior.

As to who exactly our guests are, they are a special type of android referred to as Tactical Dolls employed by the Company G&K. They are apparently a well-reputed paramilitary force in their homeland, and we have confidence that they will honor their credentials. Nevertheless, while these T-Dolls and their superiors are highly-trained and professional, we cannot stress enough that they are **not** of warship strength. If they ask if they can do training exercises with you or against you, please politely reject their offer. There will probably be nothing left of them to salvage if you hit them with a 16in/406mm shell. Likewise, please **do not** try and conduct first aid on them with repair buckets. Using their provisions in lieu **of your own while on sortie is also strictly forbidden;** Helian has warned us that resupply will be difficult even with the tech available at their fingertips **.**

If you have any further questions, please feel free to reply to this email with your concerns; we are more than willing to use this as an unofficial forum for airing grievances. Although Mr. Kryuger has informed us that this is a trying time for G&K, he also emphasized that he is more than willing to answer any complaints you may have.

G&K has also supplied us with a digital informational brochure that gives readers a crash-course history on the context of this mission and its importance.

Thank you for your cooperation,

The Admiralty

Post Script: For those working with redacted at any point, please note that contact will be difficult because redacted redacted redacted. Also please forward any concerning news you may hear about them; apparently they get wiped out often.

* * *

 **From:** Iowa (BB-61)  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Androids? Oh my!  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

These Tactical Dolls...do they have failsafe mechanisms built into their systems? Like, say for whatever reason a virus or illness hacks into their system and they go all evil, is there anything you can do to shut the system down safely without hurting them?

Because I'm just envisioning this moment as Schwarzenegger's dream come true! Not that they wouldn't be exciting, of course!

Love and xoxo,

 _Iowa, BB-61 of the United States Navy_

* * *

 **From:** Kasuga (1862)  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Are You Serious  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

With no offense intended to Mr. Kryuger, am I the only one having alarm bells ringing by the sordid state of affairs in their dimension? I thought aliens-who-wiped-out-90%-of-humanity-and-started-fooling-with-the-past-because-they-got-bored-so-they-created-fox-girls-and-maids was bad, but aliens-who-crash-landed-in-Russia-and-elsewhere-and-may-or-may-not-have-developed-a-deadly-unholy-disease-virus-that-wipes-out-most-of-humanity takes the cake.

I have a baaad feeling about this.

 _His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga_

 _Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"_

* * *

 **From:** Spanish Flu Survivors' Association  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Are You Serious  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

Greetings Sirs and Madams:

We heard that in G&K's home dimension the world is plagued with a terrible disease called ELID. It apparently is highly contagious and mutates humans into primitive beings, and was triggered by some misplaced alien tech.

Given its deadly nature, we wanted to know if there were any quarantine measures put in place to prevent T-Dolls from unwittingly spreading the malady from one realm to the next. Many of us remember unwittingly spreading the Spanish Flu during and shortly after the Great War, and would not want another such tragedy happening again. If humans must die young, it would be best for them to die nobly and with honor, not inglorious of some disease they caught.

Mr. Kryuger, perhaps you should also consider doing the same upon the T-Dolls' return home; perhaps we have illnesses not native to your dimension and we could make ELID even more malicious.

We hope you will consider our fears,

 _A Group of Concerned Shipgirls_

* * *

 **From:** New Jersey (BB-62)  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** WTF Are They  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

Are we fucking sure these are androids and not Akagis in disguise?

I took one of the new arrivals...Waugh...Wah...Wa...right, WA2000, out to visit a supermarket, since y'know I don't exactly think the selection in a post-apocalyptic foodmart is exactly great (plus, G&K is based in our world's Russia, no? Heh, don't think the Ruskies can beat our food selection). Surprisingly, she was unimpressed by candy bars, fresh produce, donuts, or even pie (who the hell doesn't like pie?), but the android started turning an unusual shade of red as we passed the ice cream section.

Seeing that ice cream is pretty cheap and I was honestly in the mood for a scoop, I offered to buy her a few gallons, to which she tentatively replied "maybe." Taking this as a hint to leave her to her own devices, I pretended to round the aisle just to see her make a beeline for the nearest cart and **empty the entire freezer of chocolate ice cream.**

When I stared blankly at her, she nonchalantly (or at least tried to) claimed that she was "saving it for later."

In a way, I'm rather glad I didn't mention that most of us larger American shipgirls are equipped with icecream machines, or else she'd probably try to eat us (and not in that sense)...

-Big J

P.S.: Apparently while I was typing this she went back and emptied **another two stores** of their ice cream stock. The dorm's freezer is now so packed I don't think it can even fit in the Panama Canal. Is there no ice cream in all of Russia, Kryuger?

* * *

 **From:** Matsushima  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Re:Unusual Tastes  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve, Hōshō

We haven't experienced any surge in ice cream sales in these parts (is it because several of our flavors have wasabi added to them? Don't ask, it's one of Irako's guilty pleasures), but for whatever reason pastries have been flying off the shelves like hotcakes.

Now, this is kind of a strange phenomenon because I only recently taught Hōshō how to make French-style cakes (so they are, to put it diplomatically, still very much a WIP) and they honestly weren't selling very well, but now every morning on the hour our little bakery is swarmed with T-Dolls begging for a "slice of cake." I assume it's a delicacy of some sorts that is difficult to obtain?

Also, Hōshō did something really, **really** stupid and almost got herself killed today. Feeling guilty over the T-Dolls being "deprived" of cake, she promised that Mamiya, Irako, and herself would work hard to make sure every single one of them would go home with at least 3 full cakes in their hands. If it wasn't for my swift thinking, she would have been crushed to death beneath the mob of androids hailing her as their "goddess."

Moral of the Story? There's something strange about robots and baked items.

 _Matsushima_

* * *

 **From:** Akagi  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** What a cool idea!  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

Hey Admiral Gōtō!

I was talking with one the T-Dolls earlier this morning, and imagine my surprise when I found myself surrounded by four exact copies of herself who all began talking at once with me!

Apparently to improve battle efficiency, androids can be linked up with each other by removing their processing cores. This means that only the original unit will be capable of "independent" thought; however, whatever the T-Doll does, it will be amplified by a magnitude of 5.

Can you imagine the uses of this on the battlefield! Imagine how many aircraft we could launch at once if there were five copies of each kanmusu. Or shells. Or torpedoes. Or missiles. The possibilities are endless!

Imagine how much more delicious meals could be too if you could eat savor the bites 5 different times…

mmm….Yamato's cooked meals...

* * *

 **From:** Kaga  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Sorry  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

My apologies for my fellow CarDiv1's wild tangent. I assure you that the pride of the carriers is capable of professional and non-food-driven thought.

 _Kaga_

* * *

 **From:** Texas (BB-35)  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** WHAT IN TARNATION  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

Howdy and Hello:

Who on earth thinks it's a great idea to yodel into a megaphone at MAXIMUM VOLUME in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

It wasn't even a good yodel, either.

Some of us need to sleep, y'all!

 _BB-35_

* * *

 **From:** Ashigara (1928)  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Literal Interpretation  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

Hehehe…

So I may have explained to a visiting, bright-eyed T-Doll with reddish-blonde hair the nature of our enemies and made the offhand comment that "the only good abyssal is a dead one" as well as "the corpse of an abyssal always smells sweet." I was just quoting some Western sayings I remember from my travels in Europe, but I think she sorta...well...took me seriously.

Remember that abyssal princess of Singapore that kept giving us trouble? The one who kept summoning those dyson battleships that gave us a headache?

Well, I found her head (sans eyeballs) on a pike outside my door this morning, with the note: "Gone Fishing. Want to go back for another pair."

She also left a repair bill on Admiral Yonehara's desk, but we're both illiterate in the significance of her resource expenses. I hope it's not a lot, but given that T-Dolls shouldn't be hunting abyssals for sport I'm assuming a 100,000 parts fee is very steep.

For Victory,

 _Ashigara_

* * *

 **From:** Hōshō  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Is M4A1-san okay?  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

Hello Persica-san:

Your AR Team was in town visiting Sasebo today while en route to the Southern Pacific, and as a pick-me-up I tried baking them some piping hot pastries to keep their spirits up. As they're all American T-Dolls (they are, right? I'm told their weaponry is from the United States), I asked Johnston advice what to bake for them, and she recommended cinnamon buns.

The thing is, when I gifted M4A1-san them, she gave me a really weird look. Is she allergic to them? Can she eat them?

I hope she doesn't think poorly of me…

Hōshō

* * *

 **From:** Enterprise (CV-6)  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Nightmares  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

I am not afraid of many things. I have soldiered on when friends around me have fallen. I stared gazed into the jaws of death with tired acceptance, not fear. I have felt the gnawing agony of being forced to stand alone away from home and warmth. I have watched people I know and love disappear into dust before my very eyes due to circumstances out of my control.

But that girl, that _thing_ , with her flowing dirty-blonde hair and twinkling green eyes, she terrifies me.

It's that wicked smile of hers. Normally, I would find such smiles beautiful; for humans it's an expression of joy after all. I do love it when Father has the energy and optimism to turn his serious gaze into a playful grin.

This smile is different, however. It's like the Cheshire Cat's grin, but even more predatory. It's the expression of someone up-to-no-good and in the middle of putting an evil plot to the test. It's the smile someone makes when they're caught red-handed doing something wrong, but instead of foiling their plans you've merely fallen for their trap.

Her coy nature does not help matters; she giggles often, and sometimes for absolutely **no reason**. The last time I remembered someone being that easily humored, it was back when a certain young fast battleship fell heads-over-heels in love with Father, and was covertly trying to seduce him.

I am told that my fears about M1903 Springfield are entirely unfounded, but every time we look at each other I can't help but feel uneasy. She has no need to flash me a knowing wink everytime we pass.

There's something rotten in the State of Denmark, and I want to uncover it before it's too late.

I'm sure there's something wrong; there just has to be.

-Enterprise, CV-6 of the USN

* * *

 **From:** Tashkent  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** HELP  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

Hail to You, Friends from Another Dimension!

I am sorry for the message in all-capslock, but this a very important request that is stressing out all the VMF shipgirls (and shipguys):

 **IS THERE _ANY_ WAY TO MAKE AK-12 OPEN HER EYES WHEN SHE TALKS**?

It's really unnerving being in the middle of a heated conversation and having AK-12 nonchalantly stroll up and chime in with that stupid smug smile on her lips (yet not even once lifting an eyelid). Also, how on earth can she see things with pinpoint accuracy? Whenever we make rounds about Kronstadt, without fail she skilfully alters her course as if she was a trooper on parade. **WITH HER EYES SHUT**. Even the most prepared shipgirl with the latest radar headset would be hard-pressed to make such a maneuver perfectly. By Stalin's mustache, if every soldier had her capabilities the Great Patriotic War would have been over in minutes, and the Abyssal War in _seconds_.

Are her eyes real? How can she determine if her surroundings are real if her eyes aren't real?

Alternatively, can you tell her to be more expressive with her mouth? The fact that she's always smiling makes us fear that she's only one step away from going "well, here I go a-killing again," going postal, and making Enterprise's infamous "stroll" seem tame.

Thanks!

 _Tashkent_

* * *

 **From:** Kirishima  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Simulations  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

One of the T-Dolls keeps muttering "all according to simulations" whenever she conducts live-training exercises on base. Is there any way to get her to stop? I don't know how it works in your world, but I am quite certain that the environment around us is very, very real.

 _Kirishima_

* * *

 **From:** Nachi  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Prohibition  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

Admiral Gōtō:

When you said you were going to crack down on my drinking habits, you weren't kidding! Heh, I know I should have cut the alcohol back a few months ago, but imagine my surprise when I went to check out my secret hiding spot this morning and everything was completely gone! Not even the several cases of Jack Daniels that I "bought" from Barb were left! I know a shipgirl didn't drink it all because not a single soul was hungover today, and I highly doubt that any T-Doll could possibly outdrink me, be it under or over the table!

I just want to say kudos for trying to push me in the right direction, and I hope you do the same to the few other recovering drinkers on base!

 _Nachi_

* * *

 **From:** Midway (CV-41)  
 **To:** Combined Admiralty List Serve  
 **Subject:** Shooting  
 **CC:** Commandant of Sector 09, Kryuger of Griffon-Kryuger, Persica, International Shipgirl List Serve

STOP SHOOTING UP THE BASE IN THE NAME OF SATING YOUR HONOR! THIS ISN'T THE WILD WEST, GO DO YOUR DUELS ELSEWHERE BEFORE I DUEL YOU WITH MY JET FIGHTERS!

-Midway


End file.
